50 Things I Want to Do to Mike Newton
by luv2read134
Summary: Also called "Marvelously Mischievous Methods to Make Mike Miserable". Bella is having a bad day, and when Mike asks her out for the millionth time, she's had it. She writes a list of 50 things she'd like to do to hurt or humiliate Mike. Canon. R&R.
1. The List

**Hello lovely readers! I was in a bad mood, and I thought 'Why not make the best of this and write a fanfic?' And, lo and behold, this story was born. it's set between Twilight and New Moon. I hope you enjoy it!**

I woke up and yawned drowsily. I wriggled around a bit, finally realizing why the bed seemed so different. Edward wasn't in it with me. I rolled over to see a note next to me.

_Bella,_

_I've gone hunting. I'll be back tonight, before you even have a chance to miss me. I love you so much._

_Edward_

I sighed unhappily. I had known Edward had to go hunting soon, but that didn't mean I had to like it. For some reason, I just felt a mix of emotions. Part of me wanted to curl up in a ball and cry, but the other part wanted to get angry and scream and hit somebody.

Wait…what?

What was with my weird moods today? I tried to force my brain to think from the sleep-induced haze I was in.

Oh yeah, it probably had to do with the fact that I was PMSing. I heaved a sigh. Great. I was going to be snappy and moody all day, and Edward wasn't here to cheer me up.

Just per-fricking-fect.

I knew the day was going to be even worse when I forced my way out of the warmth of the bed and tripped, face first, onto the hard cold floor.

I say it again: Just per-fricking-fect.

I was thankful that Charlie had already left – it wasn't fair if I acted all moody around him. I grabbed a pop tart and stomped out the door.

I registered that it was sunny outside, and that fact lightened my mood a tiny bit. In fact, by the time I got to school, I had a tiny smile on my face, courtesy of the sun and the fact that Mr. Varner wasn't going to be here today.

I got out of my truck and gathered my books, heading for class.

Along the way, I came across Mike Newton. I groaned internally. Just when my mood was getting a little better.

I tried to skirt around him, but he saw me and called my name. I tried ignoring him, hoping he would get the hint and go away. No such luck.

He jogged over to me, and I could practically see a tail wagging behind him.

"Hey Bella!"

"Hello," I replied frostily.

He glanced around. "Cullen's not here," he observed.

I rolled my eyes, but stayed silent.

"You finally come to your senses and dump him?" _Or did he come to his and dump you?_

It was no secret that the people at Forks High did not think I was good enough for Edward; I could practically hear his unspoken question.

My eyes narrowed in response. He was saying Edward was too good for me? Well, maybe I thought so myself, but what gave him the right to even insinuate that?

"No, Mike, I did not dump him, nor did he dump me. You have no right to even ask me that. Stop sticking your nose in other people's business."

He seemed taken aback by my harsh tone. Usually, I was polite to him no matter how annoying he got. But, today, I was not going to put up with this moron's idiocies.

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a class to go to."

I walked away briskly, my mood even worse than this morning. It was going to be a long day.

--

Mike, being as stupid and persistent as he was, did not take the not-subtle-at-all hint. He asked me out at least five more times throughout the day.

Each time, I grew more and more angry. Just because Edward wasn't here one day, he thinks it's a free invitation to shamelessly hit on me?

Finally the final bell rang. Yes! Home sweet Mike-free home, here I come!

I rushed to my truck, only to see He-who-must-not-be-named-because-of-his-annoyingness leaning against the driver's side.

"Bella!" he waved.

This was so it. I had had it up to here with this boy.

"What?" I snarled.

He continued, as if he didn't hear my tone. I was dumbfounded. How oblivious could you get?

"I have tickets to a cool concert in Seattle on Friday night. Wanna come?"

"No, I do **not** want to come."

"Well, if you don't like concerts, we could head to my place."

"Mike, are you an idiot? I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!"

"Oh, is that what it is? Oh, Bella, you're sweet. Just dump him, then we can get together."

"WHAT THE HELL?" I screamed at him. "Let's get this clear, once and for all. One: I am completely in love with Edward. I am NEVER dumping him. Two: I will NEVER date you. You could be the last guy in the entire universe and I wouldn't even consider it. Not for a nanosecond! GET THAT THROUGH THAT THICK SKULL OF YOURS!"

Mike was shocked. He just stood there, and I used that to make my escape. I climbed into the truck and drove away, seething.

At home, I stomped in angrily. I needed something to calm me down.

My eyes landed on my old discarded journal. I rarely, if ever, wrote in it, but this was the perfect time. I wrenched it open and began scribbling away.

_Mischievously Marvelous Methods to Make Mike Miserable_

_1. Hit him with a rolling pin_

_2. Hit him with a waffle iron_

_3. Hit him with a dead fish_

_4. Have alien friends abduct him_

_5. Drop a boulder on him from a great height_

_6. Shrink him, then step on him_

_7. Throw him to the giant evil albino alligators that live in the New York sewers_

_8. Release him into a never ending jungle filled with man-eating snakes_

_9. Throw into a lake filled with crocodiles_

_10. Get a vampire friend to bite him_

_11. Force him to clean a public restroom_

_12. Build a coliseum, fill with hungry lions, and invite the public to come watch him get torn apart and listen to his screams of pain._

_13. Get him to steal candy from a baby, then watch as the baby gets EXTREMELY angry at him_

_14. Make him go shopping with Alice_

_15. Make him go shopping with Alice with heels on_

_16. Make him say NO to go shopping with Alice (and watch him get his head ripped off!)_

_17. Make him watch educational television_

_18. Run him through a giant cheese graters_

_19. Release him into shark infested waters_

_20. Make it look like he was hitting on Rosalie, then watch as Emmett rips him apart._

_21. Train a vicious bird to rip his eyes out_

_22. Get a really embarrassing picture of him, then post it on the internet_

_23. Give his number to every hobo in town_

_24. Have Jasper manipulate his emotions and make him declare his undying love forever everyone in sight._

_25. Have Jasper manipulate his emotions and make him say he loves pink fluffy bunnies (while a camera is running!)_

_26. Have Jasper manipulate his emotions and make him kiss a monkey._

_27. Have him sucked into a huge vacuum_

_28. Send him a fake love note from me telling him to meet me in a closet, then lock him in the closet_

_29. Sneak into his house and put glue on the toilet seat_

_30. Sneak into his house and take all of his furniture, then lock it in the basement_

_31. Sneak into his house and replace his shampoo with hair removal cream_

_32. Sneak into his house and replace his shampoo with glue_

_33. Sneak into his house and pour hot sauce into his ketchup bottle_

_34. Sneak into his house and pour hot sauce into his juice_

_35. Sneak into his house and grind laxatives into his food_

_36. Sneak into his house and tape the sink prayer so when he turns on the sink, he will get soaked_

_37. Run him over with a tractor_

_38. Steal his clothes from the gym locker room and replace them with a pink dress_

_39. Give his number to every homo in town_

_40. Force him to babysit a house full of screaming toddlers_

_41. Banish him to Pluto for eternity_

_42. Tell him vampires exist, then let the Volturi kill him_

_43. Force-feed him baby food_

_44. Throw him into Jurassic Park_

_45. Transport him into an alternate universe where annoying golden-retriever-like boys are slowly roasted alive, then eaten_

_46. Force him to read The Hobbit over and over (and over!)_

_47. Force him to read the dictionary over and over (and over!)_

_48. Force him to do Geometry against his will_

_49. Use this list to drive him insane. He'll go to a psychiatrist, then tell everyone he sees a shrink_

_50. Show this list to Edward and ask him to do everything on it_

I stopped my list and read over it. Surprisingly, that had helped a lot. I laughed a bit as I read some of the things I had written down, then closed the journal and threw it on my desk.

I turned toward the window and looked at the setting sun, surrounded by a halo of gold, pink and orange clouds. It was beautiful.

I felt an unnatural breeze, and suddenly, Edward was standing in front of me, his lips at my neck.

"Hello, love."

"Hi. How was your day?"

He lifted his eyes up to meet mine. "Terrible. I missed you too much to focus on hunting."

"Mhm, it's nice to hear you were thinking of me."

"Bella, I'm **always** thinking of you."

I smiled at him.

"So, how was your day, beautiful?"

I giggled a bit as I thought of my over-the-top reaction to Mike, and the list I wrote in my journal. My overreaction seemed silly now that I had Edward with me. "Interesting," I answered.

His eyes looked sad. "So you didn't miss me at all?" he asked in a quiet, disappointed tone.

I smiled at him softly. "Of course I did. I got in trouble multiple times throughout class because I wasn't focusing on the lesson. All I could think about was you."

His face lit up. "Really?"

"Really. I was so distracted by the thought of doing this."

I leaned forward and clasped my arms around his neck. He lifted me gently and kissed me passionately. I completely forgot everything. Mike, the list, my name…all I could think about was Edward.

**Well? Please review! **

**I have a little idea for a sequel. Tell me if guys think I should do it! **

**One more thing: please check out my other stories! If you like this story, you'll like **_**A Kiss with a Side of Fries**_** (KSF) and **_**Coffee and a Kiss**_** (CK) as well. **

**Reviewreviewreview!**

**Luv2read134**


	2. The Discovery

**Guys, I would like to inform you that this will be the last you will hear from me. I have decided to join a cult. They forsake all modern technology and enjoy ritualistic dances on the ashes of burned computers. **

**Well, I'm going to go get a tattoo now, then shave my head. Bye.**

**Um, APRIL FOOL'S! **

**Enjoy this chapter!**

* * *

I held Bella as she slept, as I did every night. And, just like every other night, I thanked whatever God there may be for blessing me with this angel. But, tonight, after missing her so much on my hunting trip, I was even more grateful.

As I held her as close as humanly possible, I reflected on the fact that the ache in my throat (when I didn't hunt in a while) was nothing compared to the ache, the longing, the _need, _to be with Bella when I was away. Maybe I should just not hunt for long periods of time – like maybe three months. That was actually a pretty good idea. I could stand it. I was strong enough. It would be easy. Yeah, definitely.

Bella stirred in my arms, and her wonderful floral scent hit me again. I groaned softly. It was still as potent as it was the day I met her. The ache in my throat stirred. It was easy to ignore now, but it reminded me of my nature, of what I was.

There was no way I could last three months.

_Well,_ my mind argued, _you could just make the trips at night, when she was asleep. She wouldn't miss you then._

_That leaves me in the same position – I would still miss her,_ I replied, frustrated.

If anything, I would miss her more at night, if that was even possible. At night, she let her guard down, and I could see into her world a little bit as she murmured in her sleep. All those beautiful thoughts in that beautiful head, unedited for once. What I would give to read her mind! Just then, she whispered, "Edward. I love you."

If I had a heart, I'm sure it would be about to burst from the incredible happiness I got from those three words. _Meant for me._ She meant them for me, and only me.

"I love you too, Bella." My voice was soft and gentle.

She pressed herself against me and I waited for the rest of her talking phase. This was probably my favorite part of the night. I settled against her to see what she would say.

"Mike."

I froze. Every muscle in my body became immobile.

_Mike? _

Why was she talking about Mike? I'd only ever heard _my _name from her when she was asleep. Well, sometimes she would mention Charlie or Alice, but she'd never said another man's – _Man_, my brain scoffed. _He's a little boy! _– name before. Did she find him attractive? Did she have a crush on him? Was she going to break up with me?

My mind ran through these possibilities feverishly.

_I was going to kill him._

If he cost me my Bella, that _child_ would regret that he was ever born. I would see to that.

_And cost Bella her happiness?_

My heart sank as I thought of this. What if this was what Bella wanted? If this was what could make her happy? I couldn't deny her that. I knew Mike could give her things I couldn't.

_A life without the threat of a vampire attack, a family…_

The more I thought, the more miserable I became. This was it. She was going to wake up and tell me she didn't want me anymore.

But, painful as it would be, I would accept it, because it was what was best for her.

Bella started to talk again, and I listened carefully, dreading what I might hear. "Mike…" she let out an annoyed sigh. "STOP ASKING ME OUT! It's so _annoying_…"

I was shocked into silence for a moment. Then, I let out an exhilarated laugh. She wasn't breaking up with me! She still loved me!

Now, secure in that knowledge, I felt terrible for ever doubting her. It wasn't that I didn't trust her – I did. She was just so sure she loved me, but I knew first hand how much the mind and emotions of a human were subject to change.

_Maybe Alice is right. I do overreact a lot._

She began again. "Mike, I said no! For the last time – no means no!" she turned to me and buried her face in my chest. "Help me, Edward, he's so irritating! Make him go away!"

I chuckled at her comment. "How, Bella?"

"I don't know. You can get ideas from the list."

"What list?" I questioned, my curiosity piqued.

"It's in my journal. Mhm – Edward, you smell so yummy." She inhaled deeply.

I laughed. "Thank you Bella. I try to keep myself smelling nice to impress you."

She let out a soft sigh against my skin, and the wonderful feeling of her warm breath made me shiver involuntarily. "You succeed."

I laid a kiss **(Lauren, are you reading this? Thiggy and her weird lie/lay teachings actually worked!)** on her forehead, then slipped out of the warmth of the bed, taking care not to jostle Bella. She whimpered and reached out, trying to bring me back into her embrace. "In a second, sweetheart," I whispered softly, barely resisting the lure of her soft arms.

I walked over to her desk and surveyed the books on it. I found a notebook that looked promising. I opened it to find that it was practically new. The first page had a note from Renee, but the rest was blank, save one page.

I skimmed the note first.

_Bella, this…your birthday…write your thoughts and feelings…Love, Mom_

I flipped to the next page to see the bold title written in Bella's beautifully messy scrawl.

_Marvelously Mischievous Methods to Make Mike Miserable_

I read through it quickly, chuckling and laughing quietly as I read some of her ideas. Who knew my calm, peaceful little Bella had it in her?

I neared the end of the list and a grin spread across my face.

_50. Show this list to Edward and ask him to do everything on it_

I looked back at the beautiful girl lying in the bed behind me.

_That can be arranged._

* * *

**Well, what's the verdict? Tell me in a review. **

**I think I did EPOV pretty well (if I do say so myself). We got to see a lot of facets of his personality – loving, jealous, masochistic, overprotective, and mischievous at the end.**

**Stay tuned for the next chapter!**

**Oh, my pld poll closed. Apparently, most of you like to read EPOV the best. I have a new one up now - please go vote!**

**Luv2read134**


	3. The Possibilities

**Hi everybody! My grandfather got back from the hospital today. He is, thankfully, fine. Thanks so much to all the reviewers who expressed their sympathies and told me to take my time in updating – it really meant a lot. **

**So, ladies (and gents? Any guys reading this?), without further ado, I present to you – Chapter 3!**

My mind ran through possibilities crazily as I ran home in the morning. I thought of how fun it would be to do a few of the things on that list – of course not all of them. Some were insane – to Mike. I would finally get him back for all the times he had shamelessly hit on _my_ Bella. All the times he blatantly ignored me and asked her to the movies or dinner. All the times that I had to clench my teeth and physically hold on to something to keep from ripping him apart.

Oh, yeah. Revenge would be sweet.

I came up with tons of schemes, each crazier than the last.

I grinned crazily as my family's house came into view.

Of course, being the psychic that she is, Alice was waiting for me on the front porch, bouncing crazily.

"Oh, Edward, this is going to be SO much fun! I didn't know you had it in you!"

"Why, Alice? What did you see?" I asked, wanting to be sure.

She ran through the visions in her head, leaving me howling with laughter. The crazy ones stood out the most.

_*_

_Mike was walking to school, completely oblivious, planning to ask Bella out – again. Suddenly, I run up behind him and hit him with a rolling pin. _

"_Hey!" Mike turns around indignantly, rubbing his head tenderly and trying to find the culprit. I am already in the trees by that point, shaking with mirth._

_As Mike is squinting into the tree line, I cross over to his other side, only to hit him with a waffle iron. He spun wildly._

"_It's not funny!" he shouts._

_I beg to differ._

_I come up behind him one last time, grinning at my latest weapon. I grab the huge trout, and swing it around to hit Mike squarely in the face._

"_Aah!" he screams, buried under the weight of the masive fish. "Get it off me! It's cold and clammy and it smells like – EW! DEAD FISH!"_

_*_

The image was followed by a slew of others that looked like they came out an episode of **Tom and Jerry.**

_The family dressed up as aliens and 'abducted' Mike to dissect him and run tests on his body. _

_Emmett pushed a boulder off of a cliff, which whistled through the air before – SPLAT! – crushing him._

_Carlisle invented a shrinking machine which we used to shrink him. Then, we all took turns trying to swat him away like the pest he was._

_We were dangling him above a huge pit that alternated between being filled with crocodiles, snakes, albino alligators, and Great Whites as he screamed._

_We threw him into a Coliseum filled with hungry lions with a piece of meat attached to him._

_I strapped him to a chair as he watched educational television or the Home Shopping Network (how do humans stand that stuff?) and screamed in horror._

_I built a huge cheese grater and slowly ran him through it, reducing him to a grated pile of pathetic-ness._

_I bought a vicious falcon, which I trained carefully. Then, I released it and it clawed his eyes out._

_Alice ran him over with a tractor, laughing gleefully and singing some idiotic harvest song._

_We handed him over to a cannibalistic tribe, who slowly roasted him over an open flame while dancing around with painted faces chanting and dancing._

_We threw him into an island filled with dinosaurs._

_We packed him into a shuttle headed to Pluto, where he was doomed to stay forever._

_We turned him over to a group of nomads that passed through Forks._

_I showed him the existence of vampires, then turned him over to the Volturi._

_I strapped him to a chair and forced him to eat mashed carrots and potatoes. _

_I chained him to the floor and forced him to read a boring book._

_I bought a huge vacuum and sucked him into it, leaving him in the container indefinitely. _

By the end of the visions, I was laughing insanely. I knew we couldn't _really _do any of those things, but still, it was fun to think about.

My humorous grin was soon replaced by a mischievous one as I saw the rest of Alice's visions – ones that that we _could _do.

This was going to be fun.

**Done! I don't know if you thought it was funny or just stupid.**

**If you were wondering, the things I specifically went through were numbers 1-10, 12, 17-19, 21, 27, 37, 41-47.**

**If you haven't already, PLEASE check out KSF and CK.**

**Can you make me laugh in a review?**

**~Luv**


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